#1. Your age and living arrangements mean nothing.
#2. Your download and upload speed means nothing.
#3. Connecting to UK servers wont be helping your connection.
#4. Have you actually tried just setting your xbox ip outside DMZ?
#5. I know the connection is terrible at the moment because it is for me too, however connecting to people in the UK when I'm guessing you're in the USA is gonna result in you having a bad time.. Along with me and all the other UK players in the lobby. It is NOT A FIX!
#6. Is moderate NAT really that bad?
And finally
#7. If you're going to tell me you aren't a kid I wouldn't follow with phrases like 'voila my ass you nerd'
Hope this helps