Dude.... it's just a game. You don't have to do anything you don't want to. Just turn off the console and back away from the controller. See? Now you're in control of your life, again.
Okay... in all seriousness, you spiraled into anger when we're just here talking about Onslaught. If you want... you can just create a very fast class without any weapons and run around collecting Tags like Mario or something.
And if that's not good enough, we can trade gamertags and I'll pretend to be Luigi and collect Tags with you.